Originally published in Faith & Fitness Magazine, August/September 2005:

Reprinted with permission from Faith & Fitness Magazine

Don't sweat it when others lose their cool
part 2 of a 2 part series

By Erik Akutagawa
Head Instructor, Victory Karate;
Performance Coach, Competitive Spirit

In this article:

Don't Sweat It When Others Lose Their Cool, Part 2 What Can You Do About It? Reacting vs. Responding So How Do You Respond to Your Anger? Mental Strength Comes From Your Choices of Action Power From Love vs. Power From Anger Being in the Moment One Last Thing About the writer

Special interests: GOD'S GYM Erik's Quick Hits I Want to Hear About it!

Dear friends,

Thank you for your overwhelming response from the first part of this series on anger, "Don't Sweat It When Others Lose Their Cool". I want to encourage you to read through Part 2 and take it to heart. God wants to free you from your bondage and bless you with a better life.

In Part 1 we discussed the dynamics of what is really going on within you when you are moved to anger. With that understanding, you can now produce a proper response based on God's leading.

G   O   D   '   S       G   Y   M

When you want to make a muscle stronger, you work it over - you exercise; you lift weights; you get that fire in the belly of the muscle, and you feel the pump. Then you feed it nutrients, and you rest it. Then you work it over again, and repeat the cycle. After this process, that muscle gets stronger, able to withstand more weight and greater pressure, and for longer periods of time. God is just doing the same thing with you and your anger. After each process, you'll be stronger, better able to withstand more pressure, and able to do far more than before.

What Can You Do About It?

To illustrate this, let me tell you about a client of mine, John (Not his real name). John was an excellent athlete who had everything going for him: natural ability, strength, size, excellent technique, intelligence, a strong work ethic - everything an athlete could ever hope for.

However, John was not happy. In fact, when he came to me, he was downright upset.

He explained to me the background of his situation: his entire organization had a review process after every season. Every year, he would get the highest marks in terms of his physical abilities. However, he would always receive low to satisfactory grades on items such as "teamwork", "interpersonal communication skills", or "accepts accountability for success and failure". There would be comments about his attitude and his anger. He never thought much of these reviews. He knew he could always produce in the game, and he didn't think he had a problem with anger anyways. He was just passionate about winning.

However, after the 2002-2003 season, his coach sat him down one-on-one, looked him straight in the eye, and bluntly told him, "This [behavior] has to stop." Shortly thereafter, that coach was relieved of his position, and someone new was brought in. At that point, John finally felt the urgency of the situation, that it wasn't about playing the game anymore. In their own reviews, his teammates were complaining about him and his anger; the coaching staff was complaining about him; even people up and down the entire organization were complaining about him. This would be the reputation that would precede him with his new coach. He realized that if he didn't change, then he could follow his previous coach out the door.

So he decided that he would change, keep his emotions in check. For the next season, he felt better than ever. He thought his team and his organization respected him more. They won more games, and he even increased his own stats. At the end of a successful 2003-2004 season, he looked forward to a stellar review. He had worked hard on renewing his attitude over the last year, and he looked forward to receiving all the praise from the coaching staff.

However, that praise never came. It was there in the usual places, when it came to working out at the gym, reviewing tape, or knowing the plays. But when it came to those behavioral issues, where he was expecting above average marks, he instead saw "needs improvement" and "below average". He was shocked. And to top it all off, the entire last page was full of incidents and quotes involving him and his anger, all documented by the other players and put together by the new coach.

So what was John to do? His immediate reaction was anger. He couldn't believe some of the things others recorded him saying. He had worked so hard, and this was the result? But after a few days, he realized he was going to need a little help getting through this...

As we began meeting, it was immediate that John was surprised to see these incidents documented in his review because he couldn't even remember them happening. It was such a basic reaction, to just yell and scream back whenever he got upset that it never even crossed his mind how he was coming across to his teammates, coaching staff, or others in the organization.

So one of the first things we worked on was understanding the difference between reacting and responding to his anger.

If you are sick, your doctor may prescribe some medication for you. If your body reacts to the medicine, then something bad is happening; the medication is not only failing to improve your illness, it is actually having an adverse affect on your body. It might even be fatal. However, if your body responds to the medicine, then that's a good thing; the medication is working and doing what it needs to do in order for you to heal from your sickness and get better.

The same can be said in regards to the way you acknowledge your anger. If you merely react to your anger, then this is where rage begins to hurt the innocent ones around you, and you can be completely oblivious to it. This is what John was doing. That's why he couldn't remember all of those incidents, because he was just reacting to the situations.

Reaction to anger is a defensive mechanism. Stress hormones cortisol, epinephrine, and norepinephrine are released into your bloodstream, the same stress hormones that constitute the "fight or flight" response to a perceived threat. Incidentally, cortisol stimulates fat and carbohydrate metabolism for fast energy, and stimulates insulin release to maintain blood sugar levels. The end result of this is an increase in appetite. So if you have chronic or poorly-managed stress, not only will you have difficulty controlling your moods, but your appetite as well! Stress and hunger then feed off each other, causing a deadly cycle. This eventually leads to a compromised immune system and increased illness.

However, if you choose to respond to your anger, it will ultimately have a positive affect. This is not to say that everything will be simple and easy. Dealing with these types of emotions can cut deep, and relationships can sometimes still be broken. But if you choose a positive response, then you will know that you have made a controlled decision, that your anger did not dictate your actions. You still maintain peace and respect. Relationships can still be mended and saved. There will be healing.

Before you find yourself in a situation that moves you to anger, you need to prepare your foundation so that you can respond effectively.

John believed in God, but the anger within him was so engrained and came out so naturally, he never gave God a chance to work on that area of his life.

Mental Strength Comes From Your Choices of Action

God's Word tells us to be joyful always, pray continually, and give thanks at all times.

Be joyful always, even in the midst of strife. Anyone can be joyful during the happy times, but the real challenge is facing the most frustrating moments with joy. Instead of trying to control your anger, focus on God's infinite joy. Keep your sense of humor and don't forget to smile and laugh, even when times are hard.

Pray continually for protection against the dark spirit and his evil ways. If you have anger within you, then he will be trying to exploit that. Instead, pray for God's power and glory to be in you so that you may experience victory over your emotions. Ask God to give you joy during this difficult time, ask him to bring someone into your life to help support you. Ask God for help!

Erik's Quick Hits

Some quick steps to providing yourself with the foundation from which you can properly respond when you are moved to anger: Be joyful: Smile. Keep your sense of humor. Pray continually: Ask God for help. Be thankful at all times: Thank God that He is strengthening you, refining you like precious gold with fire. Exercise: Helps release endorphins into the bloodstream, which lowers cortisol levels. Eat right: Garbage in, garbage out. Relax: Sleep. Be even more relaxed. Choose love: Love the moment. Love what you want to protect. Love the Lord. Partner up: Find a group. Talk to a friend. Get counseling. Get a coach.

Be thankful at all times, especially when you are facing a difficult situation. Anyone can have hate and hostility when moved to anger. But you are being refined for even greater things. Focus not on the difficulty, but on the refinement process and experiencing those greater gifts, which will be given to you in God's perfect time.

Furthermore, while we can accept the fact that we will become angry, God says to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for your anger will not bring about the better life.

When John began doing these things, he began to realize how much he enjoyed his teammates and his coaches, and just playing the game he loved. He found himself laughing and enjoying himself more.

By taking these actions, you are choosing to take the focus off of yourself and your anger - and hopefully converting your feelings into love.

Power From Love vs. Power From Anger

There is a huge distinction between being motivated by love and being motivated by anger, even when it comes to physical activity. Anyone can act out of anger or hate. It takes a very special commitment to choose love.

Love is what motivates the mother to lift the car off her child who is trapped underneath. She is not a powerlifter; she is not even an athlete. Yet, when motivated by love to save and protect her child, she is able to swiftly deadlift an automobile that outweighs her by over 2000 pounds. There is no thought; the choice to love and protect her child was made long beforehand. Her love for her child immediately propels her to do what would have otherwise been physically impossible for her to do.

Anger is what pushes you to lift that weight an extra 2-3 reps, even though you're beginning to feel something tear in your shoulder. At least, that's what happened to me. I remember feeling something tinge in my shoulder at about 7 reps, but my aggressive side raged on to complete the "required" 10 reps. I trained hard, but not necessarily very smart. I won the battle, but I certainly lost the war, not being able to lift weights or workout for the next 8 months to mend my injured shoulder.

John naturally competed with anger and aggression. It made him feel strong, powerful, and feared. But since he accepted this new philosophy of competing with love rather than anger, his teammates and even his opponents have remarked directly to him that he'd gotten quicker, faster, and stronger. They were asking him what new training methods he had learned. Using a foundation of love, not only had he improved his game, he gained a respect from his own peers that he never had before.

Being in the Moment

Okay, so you've made all the preparations and set your foundation to best deal with your anger when the situation arises. But what do you do when you're in the moment? What do you focus on then? How do you respond to your anger and not react?

• Admit what you're feeling. Most of us don't even know what we're feeling and why. However, as we read in the article, "Is There CHI In CHRIST?", the emotions still manifest themselves physically. Then those around you are left to interpret your feelings from your body language.
  
  If you're feeling upset, then release those negative emotions. Simply say something like, "I'm feeling angry because...", or "It makes me upset when you..." The beauty of this is that you can say these words without any emotional intent, meaning, you don't have to raise your voice or yell to get your point across and be understood. You will be controlling your anger, rather than have your anger controlling you.
  
  With John, we determined that much of his behavior was due to his upbringing. In his house, everyone yelled; it was just an everyday occurence. His parents would argue and yell at one another constantly. That's what he grew up with, and that is how he learned to deal with his anger.
  
  John certainly did not want others to be afraid of him, or say or think bad things of him. Quite the contrary, he very much wanted to be liked and respected and valued.
  
  So a basic step we set for John was to a) identify what he was feeling and why, and then b) actually verbalize those feelings in a controlled manner. While certainly difficult at first - having to relearn habits so deeply engrained since childhood - he eventually got to a place where he could very calmly state that he "was frustrated when..." or "got angry at..." The beauty here is that once he was able to express himself verbally, his whole demeanor changed. His efficiency rose; his play improved. He had a newfound joy about him, and those who avoided him in the past were now open with him.




• Love! I'll tell ya, this is the most difficult step, but it will save your life. You must learn to still exhibit love, even in the midst of strife.
  
  So how do you do it? In my martial arts training, I learn to kill people with my bare hands. We train for life-or-death situations, and know that we can always tone down our response as necessary. So the training can be intense and quite brutal. Some of the knife techniques we practice make me queasy just thinking about what we're really doing. But you must still focus on love.
  
  This comes from 3 places:

  
  

  1. Love for the moment. I know you love to train. You wouldn't be reading this magazine if you didn't. Sometimes it's the challenge; sometimes it's getting that pump; sometimes it's investing in a result. Whatever the case, focus on loving what you're doing.
     
     I'm involved in 3 businesses, a fulltime job, and I'm a husband to a wonderful wife and a dad to 2 great kids. I know when I'm out on the mat or in the gym that I have a limited amount of time to dedicate there. So I make sure I love every minute of it.
     
     My heart and my mind used to be filled with thoughts of "I'm going to get you", but no longer. Rather, they are filled with relishing and feeling the thrill of the moment. So all of my techniques are now far more explosive, with full commitment and little hesitancy. I am able to stay fresh for a longer period of time because I'm not expending my energy through wasted emotion. I can see clearly, and when the moment is right, I am able to be even more aggressive due to being able to focus my energies with full intent.
     
     Loving the moment means NOT pushing those extra 2-3 reps because you feel something in your shoulder. Instead of getting primal to reach that threshold to the extent of injury, you can be honest and analytical and save yourself from harm. You learn to train smarter, not just harder, which will give you a net gain for the long term.
     
     Focus on loving the moment, and watch your physical performance grow. Forget the world and what it thinks of you; forget yourself and your ego. It may take a bit more time, but in the long run, you will be lifting more, running faster and further, and climbing higher.

  
  

  2. Love for what you want to protect. Love always protects. This philosophy has permeated my martial arts training. On top of loving the training itself, every combination I practice comes from a mindset to protect myself and my family. Even the most brutal technique has its place, and I have made my peace with God knowing that I may use this knowledge to put someone down if the need comes.
     
     What do you want to protect? The sanctity of the game? A relationship? Your own honor and integrity? Focus on loving what you want to protect.

  
  

  3. Love the Lord. Yes, God sets us free from ourselves and our own shortcomings. Yes, God knows our hearts, both the good and the bad, yet He loves us anyways. And, you can thank God that He sees everything objectively and is perfectly just.
     
     If someone wrongs you, and it just sets you off, focus on loving God. Thank him for being the perfect God, one who sees everything and administers just the right amount of discipline. While you may still be angry, and have every right to be, know that God understands your hurt. You don't need to seek any type of revenge, because you can leave it to God to make everything perfect. You may not even see the results, but you can have peace knowing that God is a God who keeps his promises.
     
     Of course, it's a double-edged sword. If you have any contributions to the situation (which you probably do, but you may not see), then you will need to seek forgiveness and redemption for your part as well. But any corrective actions you may need to take can be done with peace and without any animosity. Loving God offers you freedom from being trapped from even your own negative emotions.
     
     John found this to be particularly challenging, especially when having to deal with people who he felt were "incompetent", or "prima donnas". But when he focused on love - loving the moment, loving what he wanted to protect, and loving God - he came to appreciate everyone around him. They in turn began to appreciate him and his contributions. Instead of being a liability to his team and the organization due to his anger, he became a trusted leader. All of this from focusing on love.

  
  

  Be powered by love!

Just as you progress more with a dedicated coach, instructor, or training partner, find someone to help you with your struggle with anger. It doesn't have to be a support group, although it could be. But find at least one other person who ideally has dealt with and conquered his own anger, and can offer you some wise counsel and guidance. It could be a friend, mentor, or elder; it might even come in the form of a professional, such as a doctor, counselor, or personal coach.

If you want to experience God's greater gifts, then you need to enlist the aid of another person. This someone will be able to inspire you and help you maintain your focus on the greater goals.

That's what I was able to do with John. He didn't think he had a problem with anger, so he didn't feel he needed counseling or therapy. However, he didn't feel comfortable talking to his family or friends about these matters either. So he found the right fit with a performance coach. And the results speak for themselves: His 2004-2005 annual review showed all of the remarkable improvements with no negative remarks whatsoever. The team achieved new heights in every respect, from team moral to team record, and even attendence. Everyone on the team felt it was their best year yet, and the management and coaching staff were proud of John and what he had done. And it all started with John's decision and commitment to make a positive change and get help.

Make your choice - choose a path that is of light and joy, rather than one of darkness and pain. Start by finding that one person to help support you, then take it step by step.

I Want to Hear About it!

Have the articles, "Don't Sweat It When Others Lose Their Cool" Part 1 and Part 2, helped you with your struggle with anger? If so, then I want to hear about it! Please email me your story.

Be filled with God's presence in your life. Delight in your newfound physical performance. Then you will be able to tell others how God's grace and power overcame your old ways. You can do it!

In Faith,


Erik Akutagawa